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From: Miss Blu* in HR
To: All Employees
Re: Birthday Decorations Policy
HR has recently learned that some employees are discussing and even <gasp> displaying other employees’ ages on birthday decorations in the workplace. In this day and age of getting sued for everything, the Company simply cannot tolerate the added risk of an age discrimination lawsuit based on such shenanigans. Therefore, HR has written the following Birthday Decorations Policy:
Birthday Decorations Policy
Effective immediately, no one is allowed to discuss their ages with their co-workers — not even on your birthday.
If you are hosting a little cubical party for one of your co-workers and are tempted to get an “Over the Hill” banner, do not, or you will be found to be in violation of this policy. And don’t even think about buying brightly colored Mylar balloons that say something like “Happy 30th Birthday.”
Additionally, numbered birthday candles for the top of a cake for a co-worker’s birthday cake will not be tolerated. If numbered candles are found, the perpetrator will be forced to eat the wax candles in front of the HR Director and then send a company-wide email admitting violation of this policy and apologizing to the birthday person.
In fact, come to think of it, wishing someone a happy birthday is too risky as well, as it indicates that person has turned another year older and, by acknowledging the birthday, the company could be blamed for age discrimination. So you are forbidden from wishing any co-worker a happy birthday effective immediately.
HR is committed to keeping this company protected from getting sued for birthday-related age discrimination, so we will be patrolling the halls looking intently for someone who is in violation of this policy, especially on days we know (and, after all, we are HR and we know everything!) to be someone’s birthday.
*Miss Blu is the nom de plume for a Human Resources professional who lives and works in Southwest Florida. You can find her complete biography here.